


Batman: The little girl

by your_normal_everyday_coffee



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Batman Needs a Robin, Birds, Bottom Chuck Hansen, Gay Seamus Finnigan, Leeroy Jenkins Reference, Magical Lydia Martin, Mummies, Murderers, Other, Uncle Sherlock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26444047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_normal_everyday_coffee/pseuds/your_normal_everyday_coffee
Summary: A young girl... Trapped in a house.A fearsome bird.. Complete with talons that could rip a man in half.A viscous feline... You won't see it coming.A violent drunkard... Convicted of a monstrous crime.A fanatic womanizer... Lock your doors at night.A maid who will fufill your every desire... Je cherche un chien.A murder... A most precise human puppet master.An uncle... Uncaring of the brutal treatment happening right before him.A mothers mother.. Desprate to help the little angel.A mother... Cold and uncaring to her daughter... With a really fat arse.But will the youth escape with her innocence?
Relationships: Nobody/Nobody
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Prologue

People's possessions tend to vary.

Some people posses millions of pounds and a few side hoes.

Others don't even posses the right to see their children.

But if there is one thing universally possessed by everyone; it is a name. Now, someone who crops up in this story quite a bit does in fact have a name, but she is not Batman, so I won't waste your time pretending as though we care about anyone else but the multi -talnted, prodigy child that is Batman - so we'll call this woman "mummy."

You may find it to be a little unfair that the very thing that links mummy to the rest of humanity is neglected to be mentioned, but my little cabbages, mummy knew very, very well that life is a little bitch who cries little bitch tears.

Allow us to begin the shitshow ✨


	2. Mother's mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out that mother's mother is not much of a mother.

If the song "I don't like Mondays" was written by mummy, it would probably go something like this:

"Tell me why?!"

" I don't like when Batman gets thrown out of nursery,   
When Derpy bird sheds his feathers on my clothes,  
When Batman bites,  
When Hans leaves the toilet seat up,  
When Seamus offers Derpy bird beer,  
When Derpy bird gets drunk,  
When Batman calls me "Lardass,"   
When Murderer stinks out the house,  
When Martin scares visitors away,  
When Batman gets jealous of my friends,  
When Batman gets jealous of Derpy bird,  
When Batman gets jealous of uncle,  
When Batman gets jealous of me,  
When Batman is awake,  
Over glutinous food,  
And my mother visits."

If mummy was "That's so raven" she would have known that of one the things she despised more than nude coloured underwear was going to happen on that very Monday. But alas, unlike her incredible daughter - she did not posses super powers. So instead of having a nervous break down like she would have if she knew what was around the corner, she was instead trying to coax a nearly choking Derpy bird to spit out whatever he had tightly clamped in his beak. As Derpy bird finally spat the out the slobery bit of Lego, Hans came waltzing into the room -only clad in suspenders and his leopard print Speedo of course.

You vill feed Marlene, Jah? " He said addressing Jenkins with a slap to her arse. Jenkins (who was currently attempting to wrestle a screeching Batman into her highchair) gave a curt nod.

"Marlene? Is she another girl you met at the German strip bar in town?!" Mummy demanded, wiping her hand clean of Derpy birds drool.

" Jah! She has a hot sista, I'm bringing her round tonight, that is good, jah?'' Hans replied, he was beginning to do his daily morning stretches, as a result of this Jenkins, (who was bending down to pick up a plate Batman had thrown,) got a face full of armpit hair.

Mummy was about to respond, when her attention was forced to stray away from the conversation by the ringing of her telephone. Batman stopped her tantrum for a second to inform her mother that the telephone was indeed ringing, before picking up where she left off and continued throwing her food at anyone who so much as glanced her way.

Mummy trudged over to her telephone rather sluggishly (she had only had 6 cups of coffee that morning) and picked it up and brought it to her ear.

"Hello? Miss Stevens speaking,"

" Miss Stevens is it? I see you still haven't found a husband- it's no fault of yours, with a face like yours I don't think even Nicholas Cage would want you. " The distinct voice of mother's mother rang out from the telephone. Batman finally stopped her paddy fit to listen to the phone call- much to an exhausted Jenkins relief.

"Well anyway, I won't talk to long, your voice annoys me after all, I called to inform you that I am in a taxi to your house. Your darling little daughter gave me your address- I shall be arriving to your current location in around two hours, if this dimwit of a driver hurries up." Mother's mother gravelly voice rang out from the telephone.

Mother's mother hung up. Leaving a wide eyed mother who had a newfound desire to pack her bags and immigrate to Iran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos or i steel youre dog and fish 🍑💦🔞👅💋🍆


	3. Monday Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A typical Monday morning in the batman house hold

Again, someone who you will become rather acquainted with in this story does have a name, but I shall not pretend any of us care about something as trivial as names- thus, we will simply refer to this man as "Uncle."

After living with his sister for 3 years, he had seen some rather peculiar things on mornings, (for example; once on one winter morning, he had went up to the attic to search for his snow boots, and found Derpy Bird's Russian cousin plotting to take over Uganda.) But if uncle knew that on that particular morning the first sight that would greet him, was his sister having a mental breakdown on the floor, and Hans running around completely stark naked; chasing after Batman who has stole his speedo- he probably would have just stayed in bed.

Alas, unlike his ex's, friend's, twice removed cousin Stanley (who used to breast feed him when his mother couldn't,) he did not have the ability to "gaze into the future." Thus, poor and unsuspecting, Uncle made his way down stairs, swinging the kitchen door open he found the following:

His sister in a heap, occasionally muttering lines such as: "just kill me it's kinder," and " take that egg again off the wall, " Hans's buttocks faced towards him, he was attempting to pry his Speedo out of Batman's steely grip. Jenkins furiously scrubbing at a charcoal stain on the wall, Seamus trying to sneak past Mummy with his breakfast which consisted of 16 cans of beer- he was going on a diet after all, and Derpy Bird who was desperately trying to cheer Mummy up with a piece of Lego.

He had a sudden urge to call Jeremy Kyle.

He turned to his sister, about to ask her what was the cause of the ruckus, but he then realised he would have a better chance of extracting eggs from George Michael, so instead he turned to Jenkins- who was bright red in the face and desperately trying to scrub away the grime that speckled the walls.

"Um... Why is my sister already having a nervous break down? It's a Monday morning, that's a new record." He inquired.

" Your-mothers-coming-to-stay" Jenkins said between pants.

This was a nightmare akin to a one direction fanfiction.

Colasping on the table with his head in his hands, a dry sob left his lips, Derpy Bird turned away from Mummy for a spilt second and in a attempt to cheer Uncle up, he began ramming the Lego brick into Uncle's head, after getting an unsatisfactory response he turned back to Mummy.

Mummy finally raised her head from off the floor, "What are we gonna do?" She asked, addressing her brother who was sobbing as though the Spice Girls had just announced their reunion. 

"Herion," Batman intergected, finally putting a stop to the wild goose chase. " You could do herion. "

"Batman!" Mummy said swivelling her head towards Batmans general direction, sounding scandalized. "That's a _horrible_ thing to say!"

"Is it though?" Uncle asked, dragging his palms down his face.

"Well, well, well, encouraging youngins' to be druggies are we?" A distinct voice rang out from the open window. "Dont think I don't know what people like you do, reel 'em in when they are nice 'n young!" The last person they wanted to see in this situation: PC Parkinson. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg wats gon haypen 😲😳😷😶😲😙😥😒😥


	4. Worlds okayest morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mega hot hard-core police porn 🥵😱😫

"Where did you obtain this heroin?!"

The dim light up above did nothing for PC Parkinsons completion, but he had insisted on making the kitchen into an interrogation room. 

Mummy had taken to bouncing her thigh up and down, as her stress levels had reached an all time high. Although the up, down of her thigh calmed Mummy, Martin, who was sitting on her lap was having the ride of his life. 

There's plenty of situations you wouldn't like to be in before your mother comes round. My mother once caught me hiding my pet humans body, it was a rather awkward Christmas dinner that day. One conundrum you would not like to be in before your mother arrives, is being interrogated by a copper with greasy hair and bad acne, demanding to know where you got your heroin from and how cheap it was.

Most people wouldn't like to be in that situation anyway.

But Batman the tot wasn't most people.

Most mother's would tell you that their child's smile is the most precious thing in the world.

But Mummy was not most mother's.

Her daughter Batman's smile meant one of two things, either she had just set the shed on fire, or she was watching her family and roommates go through immense pain and humiliation.

Today was the latter.

Derpy bird was sobbing, blowing his nose on a towel, (PC Parkinson had shouted at him to "man up," and his Father was killed my a man who manned up.) 

Seamus's hands were quaking, this occurred when he had not had his usual 6 cans in the morn. 

Hans was getting more restless, he had not penetrated a woman in 39 minutes, which was yet another record broken this morning.

Uncle, had taken to try and control Batman, who kept screaming things such as "They deal crack too!" And, "They keep it in the attic! They keep it in the attic!"

Martin was still being tossed around in Mummy's lap, and Murderer was asleep, dreaming of making love to a Pana cotta .

All in all it was a very ok morning.

"Oh Jesus christ!" Hans shouted suddenly, it seemed he finally broke, "I've made love all over this house, jah? There is not heroin! I have checked!" 

"The baby doesn't think so, does she?" PC Parkinson responded in his greasy tones, "now answer the question, 'ow cheap what the heroin!"

"Oh so you've turned to drugs now have you? I can't blame you, if I had a life like yours I would to." 

Everyone's head whipped around to look at the door (all apart from Murderer who was still slumbering.)

There, stood the figure of a tall woman, clad in a grey suit that closely resembled the likes of Margret Fatcher. Jenkins ran behind her, "I-tried-to-make-her-wait-Miss-I-did." She panted, "quiet girl!" Mother's mother said, thrusting her bag into Jenkins arms. 

All eyes (excluding Murderers) turned to Mummy, who's face was white.

"This is fine." Mummy said with a dead laugh.


	5. Mother's Mother OWNS Therapists?!! (Not clickbait!!!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's ur MAJOUR OTP in this story 🙌😜🙈🤑

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the hiatus I haven't been doing to dandy, but I'm trying on working on projects to be more productive. And making this story makes me happy!

"Time is a construct and we are all meaningless in the grand scheme of everything, so when you cry, I really can't give a toss." This is a handy piece of advice Mother's mother gave to Uncle and Mummy when their cat met its demise. As you may have suspected, Mother's mother was an unlicensed therapist and was known to give valuable lectures to anyone who she thought required them, (which was nearly everyone but her.) That is why when Mother's mother came striding over to the group amassed at the table, everyone seated simply knew that a lecture was incoming.

"Doing drugs," Mother's mother began, "is throwing your life away, for artificial happiness- that is, unless you don't _have_ any life to throw away." She said, with a meaningful glance at Mummy.

"Yeah, that may be true for yous," PC Parkinson interjected, leaning forward, "but if nobody did drugs, where would I get _mine_ from?!" PC Parkinson said smugly, as though he had just asked a deeply profound question. "Jah!" Hans said, looking at the greasy cop with awe, _"that_ is the question we want to know!!"

"No no, this is a misunderstanding, I'm not on heroin, Batman just made a silly joke, God bless her!" Mummy said, punctuating the sentence with a fit of shrill laughter. "No, I **swear** I'm not a junkie," Mummy said abruptly, her face urgent, "here check my arm, I'll even piss into a cup if you want me to," she said thrusting her arm into her Mothers face. "Spare your breath," Mother's mother said batting Mummy's arm away, "I always knew you were bound for a life of no-good!"

There was a pregnant silence, in which Mummy's face was frozen, Uncle reached out and patted her still aloft arm somewhat stiffly.

Derpy Bird squawked unexpectedly bringing everybody out of the trance-like state the room had been cemented in. "Did anyone see that episode of Only Fools and Horses last night?" Jenkins asked looking around the room wringing her hands tightly.

"Yeah, I did," Uncle said smiling a little. "Don't think I've seen that show," PC Parkinson said rather conversationally for someone who had just been demanded to see their drug supply.

"You allow your _maid_ to watch television?" Mother's mother asked, quirking an eyebrow, "no wonder she's the way she is!" Mother's mother stood up, snapping her fingers at Jenkins she ordered: "Go take my luggage to my room! And you," She said pointing a confronting finger at Mummy, "let's chat, shall we?" "I'll go with her!" Uncle said, tripping over his chair to get Jenkins, "that looks heavy I'll help!" "Yeah, me as well, I need to search for the em, heroin." PC Parkinson said gesturing around vaguely. Everyone collectively listed an excuse than went speeding out the room, leaving only Mummy, Batman and Mother's mother, and a growing sense of regret at ever being born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's ur MAJUOR OTP in this storyy 😜🙈🤑

**Author's Note:**

> Hop u enjayes da story 😖💅💋👑🙈😎😫


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